I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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