Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
