Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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