I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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