My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
