I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
