I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
