my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
