Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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