When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
