i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
