i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Say something about gay babies.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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