battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
