Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
