I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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