i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
