ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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