nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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