Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
