in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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