Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
