Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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