I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
FUCK WHALES
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
