Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
