Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
