i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
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