I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
