JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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