Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
