Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
