I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
