I just cut my nipple shaving
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
