The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
