I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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