RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
