In the future we'll all be gay
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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