Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
