Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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