i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
