It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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