can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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