oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so let's talk penis.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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