I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
