I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
