the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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