Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
