It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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