My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
