if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
