I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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